I wanna bring you to show and tell
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
