Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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