I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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