I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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