i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
