Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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