Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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