I need help removing her.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
