It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
