In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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