I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
