I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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