When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
