i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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