They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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