I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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