Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
