What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
