I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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