Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
