These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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