I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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