I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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