I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
