Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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