I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
