Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
