No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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