the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
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Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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