I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
