oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
