he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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