now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
