hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
