I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Randomize
