Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Im part way to drunk.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
