I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
