Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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