I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
