Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
