I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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