Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
