The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
