My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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