Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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