my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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