It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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