i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
