just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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