I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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