I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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