M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
