Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
there is glitter all over my balls
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
