i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
