I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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