we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
