he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
