Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
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he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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